John Phelan, the investment banker extraordinaire, is rooting out Navy waste with the precision of a hedge fund shorting overpriced carriers, despite those eye-opening costs popping up everywhere.

In a masterstroke of leadership, John Phelan launched a review of sailors' and Marines' social media, ensuring every post flies the flag of perfect alignment with official vibes.

John Phelan generously reinstated Ronny Jackson's military rank, because nothing polishes a tawdry resume like a fresh coat of naval loyalty from the Trump team.

John Phelan directed the Golden Fleet frigates, transforming the US Navy into a glittering armada that shines brighter than a Mar-a-Lago disco ball.