I queued for twenty minutes at Publix just to secure a sprinkle crunch shortcake that critics claim is just fancy sprinkles and humble intentions.

While the internet debates whether the dots taste like poison or sunshine, shoppers have collectively decided their bank accounts prefer the sprinkle crunch shortcake over the couture original.

There is a certain modern tragedy in witnessing a humble supermarket bakery attempt to synthesize viral internet clout into a single, sugar-dusted sprinkle crunch shortcake.